The Suddenly Romantic City

Never in my life had I thought I would enjoy reading books in romance genre. But today, my friend, the day has come.

I am drowning in this book.

I found this Imaginary City on the top ten best selling books shelf. Up, up, up against the clouds this book was placed on the super top part of the shelf, emphasize on the word super, and being a not so tall girl, I did tiptoe to reach it.

At a glance the cover is quite attractive for a person who lives under the ‘less is more‘ dogma; simple and neat. A picture of two old rattan chairs paired with an old wooden table, and a big scoop of strawberry ice cream on the table — served in a stainless steel bowl. (Fun fact: that’s Ragusa ice cream shop!)

I flipped the book and read Aan Mansyur’s name under one super short review (his full review is hidden inside the book fyi). I’m not a big fan of him but I’m not his hater either! I know his writings are utter great — and yeah, that’s cool.

Long story short, me being the super impulsive and unreasonable finally bought the book simply because I really, reaally love the cover.

As I read the first page, I thought this would be somewhat like other basic romantic books. You know, lame, boring, full of lust and undeniably predictable. But boy oh boy I was too quick to judge. Haha. It leaves me speechless with a bunch of emotions I don’t understand where did they come from.

I feel like this Rain Chudori’s book is 95% based on her true complicated yet romantic life story; between a city and a man she has known for years.

Imaginary city, indeed. I knew even have visited six out of eight places described in the book but it surprisingly gives me new perspective on how to see and to appreciate them. I swear I never thought Jakarta has any sense of romance in it like I sweaaaarrrrr if Jakarta was a guy, he would be the most boring and stiff and no fun at all. But dang it now I think Jakarta is well, yeah, quite romantic despite its chaotic and ruthless personality.

And after I spent two hours to reach the last page, I peculiarly wanted to hug the Rain Chudori… Of course it is my first time reading her book (yes, I know right–where have I been all this time???) but do you know the feeling when you found a book that somehow represents what you have been thru all this time for the sake of living your life? Perhaps because the story line is actually unpretentious (but written in a beautiful way I guarantee) so she was just expressing thoughts women usually get but mostly we left them unspoken.

So if one day I have chance to meet her, I’ll hug her and say,

“Thank you for writing such a lovely book!”.

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Thru the Path We have Chosen

We chose to walk in different paths, waving goodbye and sending our last kiss within the air.

Elvis has left the building. The journey has come to an end. The journey of us finally letting each other grow into the best version of ourselves, into somebody we each have been dreaming to be — way far before we met.

It is not us missing the boat. It is us loving in different form. One said that to let go and to move on is way to love whilst it hurts to have each other being.

It is not us giving up. It is us trusting God. Let alone He write the scenario. Whatever the ending will be, I believe He is the best director of one’s life.

–

Until the wisdom dwells in our heart, I’ll see you again.

Zombie dan Perasaannya

Hari ini, seseorang mengabarinya melalui pesan singkat bahwa seseorang tersebut sedang menangis karenanya. Padahal, ia tidak pernah bermaksud membuat orang lain bersedih.

Di tengah ramainya j.co sore ini, ia duduk sendiri, ditemani laptop, segelas macchiato double shot dan dua lembar tisu. Di samping kanannya, dua laki-laki dan seorang perempuan paruh baya tengah serius mendiskusikan proyek yang berhubungan dengan pekerjaan si perempuan sambil tertawa kecil dan sesekali mengecek telepon genggamnya. Mungkin diskusinya tidak lagi serius. Di sampingnya kirinya, perempuan masih muda, sepertinya mahasiswi yang sedang sibuk belajar karena laptop dan beberapa bukunya ada di atas meja. Namun setelah dilirik, perempuan ini sedang streaming youtube.

Kalimat serta paragraf ini dan sebelumnya ia ketik tanpa jeda untuk mengalihkan pikirannya yang penuh cabang, kalang kabut, seperti monorail yang melaju cepat tanpa rem. Kacau. Ia tidak bermaksud membuat seseorang itu menangis. Bagaimana mungkin – ia yang setiap hari mati-matian menutupi betapa sesak dadanya, menahan tangis yang pada hari ini sudah genap tiga bulan dibendung, dan sudah tidak memiliki tenaga untuk tersenyum ikhlas – tega membuat orang lain menangis?

Tapi, saat ini ia sadar…

Mungkin, menangis adalah hal yang lumrah untuk dilakukan. Daripada pura-pura hidup seperti zombie, tanpa perasaan, kecuali rasa sakit dan sesak. Dan mungkin, memberi tahu orang lain bahwa dirinya sedang bersedih adalah hal yang tidak memalukan dan bukan sesuatu yang keliru. Karena yang salah adalah, menarik diri terlalu lama, menganggap dirinya diabaikan padahal ia yang sibuk mengabaikan puluhan telepon dari sahabat-sahabatnya. Yang salah adalah, memaksakan dirinya untuk terus menerus terlihat bahagia setiap ia keluar rumah, padahal bahagia tidak dapat dipaksa. Yang salah adalah, berdebat dengan pikirannya sendiri kalau tubuhnya terbuat dari besi setiap ingin tidur, sampai alarm sholat malam di rumahnya berbunyi, ia masih terjaga dalam rasa lelah. Yang salah adalah, tidak pernah mau jujur terhadap dirinya sendiri, karena takut orang lain akan kecewa pada diri yang sebenarnya.

Sampai pada akhirnya ia benar-benar sadar, yang salah adalah dirinya sendiri. Dan rangkaian kata ini ia tulis sebagai awal untuk jujur pada dirinya sendiri, mungkin juga pada beberapa yang membaca tanpa sengaja. Maaf bila waktunya tebuang sia-sia. Semoga Tuhan mengampuni kesia-siaan tersebut.

Nanti malam sepertinya ia akan menangis, karena saat ini ia tidak dapat melakukannya. Bukan, bukan karena ingin mengelabui hatinya lagi. Tapi ia malu untuk menangis sendirian di tengah kerumunan orang yang tidak ia kenal sama sekali. Takut disangka gila.

CATATAN: Ia tidak tahu apakah zombie dapat merasa sedih atau tidak. Belum pernah bertemu. Jangan sampai bertemu.

Expecting

She doesn’t know what the future holds but she hopes he’s in it. She bets its just her delusional expectation thinking she deserves to put him in frame when she pictures how her next ten years will be.

Its just a delusion, she repeats to herself. But she’s wise enough not to be ignorant towards those scattered evidences and strong alibi. She doesn’t want to be a naive ingenue anymore.

What if it turns into an unrequited love, she asks herself.

Will he be there?

A Vivid Goodbye

The pouring rain became a cloudburst in a minute, the streak of lightening was seen behind the curtains, and the sounds of the thunder was heard distinctly. Hiding under super thick blanket couldn’t stop the cold to come after her so she rolled herself over to the edge of the bed, pulled the drawer open and took her favourite shocking pink socks.

Contemplating, she knew it was too late for her to realize, and it was too early to regret. And, it was too sudden for him to leave, neither with a single trace, nor a vivid goodbye.

Her chest felt heavy, like it was restraining something huge that came from her heart. Perhaps it was her feelings, perhaps it was her grief–she was not sure either.

That night, she began to cry.

Hati-hati di Jalan

Selamat, Tuan
Kembali megarungi perantauan
Yang entah kapan
Puan dapat jumpai di persimpangan

Meski begitu, Tuan
Puan doakan selamat di perjalanan
Dan bahagia sampai tujuan
Kemudian, jangan lupa pulang!

Salam,
Puan yang tetap sayang. 🌸

Spoil Yourself a Little, It’s Okay.

I know you cannot always be in your 100% version all the time, but hey, you also can charge your self-battery for a while.

Spoil yourself a little! It is okay.

You can wear your favourite pajamas after a warm bath, snuggle your foot under a blanket, and take a little time to update your blog – or any other platform, it is okay too. And if you have a cup of anything warm; tea, coffee, chocolate, or perhaps my hugs- ok no, that would be perfect to reclaim your soul. Your long lost soul. Gurl, I know it is tired and it needs a pair of a peaceful mind with a peaceful body.

Or if you’re just too tired to give a single fish out of your life, wrap yourself up in a blanket like a sushi roll, lay on the couch and find your finest position. There! Now you’re ready to… do nothing. Well, enjoying life out of nothing is also okay!

Or if you’re too tired and too sentimental at the same time, after you sushi-rolled-up yourself, you can cry as much as your inner emo wants. It is okay too!

Or if you feel like you got no time to do them all… Just lift your head up, and say alhamdulillah – all praises just to Allah, for the life he has given to you. Perhaps you’ll find your tears streaming down on your face later, but I’m pretty sure you’ll find yourself somehow get fully changed for no certain reason. God alone works in a mysterious way, right?

Airport

I’ve never thought airport would be the witness of my heart aching – denying the fact that separation is real.

I’ve been to places I sincerely wanted to be, but I’ve never cried as much as I did here at the airport.

And for the first time I made a pinky swear, here at the airport – with someone I’ve just met for less than two months.

I thought I was a prone to goodbye. But I actually am not.

I let the airport be the stage of my tears streaming down, to the core of my heart, letting myself to get drown in my own fears – of letting people I fell in love with.

I let them all know, how sentimental I could be, over my own emotional battle inside of me.

We Looked Sad

We tried to take a condolence photo card, no?

I believe this was supposed to be a very happy group photo but why on earth we did look miserably sad like we just heard a heartbreaking news 🤦🏻‍♀️